[Oh. That was new, wasn't it? It must have been, and Fenris makes a quiet note to bring it up again at some point. It's nothing important, not in the grand scheme of things, certainly nothing that will help their mission, but it's a satisfying story. A hopeful one, maybe.
What has died once can always die again.]
Is that right?
[He actually laughs. It's a little mean, but on the other hand, it isn't really meant nastily. He's just that confident in his own skills.]
Careful, Astarion. I will not say it's impossible for me to be beaten, but it is no easy feat. Don't talk yourself up too much.
[It's teasing, but there's something quietly excited in his gaze. It's been a long, long time since he's gotten to do anything so mundane as . . . well, this. Casually challenging someone to a battle whose outcome almost doesn't matter; playfully trash-talking, a luxury so mundane he'd forgotten how good it felt.]
There are two ways for you to go about attempting to prove that. We could spar. I know a few places where we'd have plenty of room.
Or you can accompany me on a hunt.
[Or both, frankly. There's nothing to say they can't do both: sparring down the hallways of his oversized mansion, weaving in and out of patches of moonlight, blades flashing and all of him trembling in exertion— and then, later, all the joyful, hopeful, fantastic thrills of killing those that no longer deserve to live.
Either way: he reaches for the cigarette. The heady, pleasantly dizzy feeling it offers is a relief in more ways than one, just as the port is. Fenris trades in a card— higher, though not as risky as Astarion's own— and absolutely in no way scowls at the shit card he picks up.]
[Without memory there to shatter the yawning stretch, how long has Fenris been alone, now?
Astarion tries— passively— to picture it as the vertiginous flow of cigarette smoke tangibly weaves its way in across his peripheral senses. Tingling ever-so-light, like the first, strangely numb feeling of a limb losing its own circulation, though not at all unpleasant. He’s done this enough times (in good company and poor alike, too) that there’s no losing track of either himself or his train of thought. Just the pleasantness of it, mirroring how much he enjoys—
Well, all of this.
But still, under the sound of that rolling laugh, rough and pretty all the same, he does wonder.]
Whetting our appetites before a decent meal sounds thrilling a prospect as any.
[And, despite the danger they’ve only just escaped, he considers asking for it right now.
Still, immediate risks being what they are— slightly drunk and slightly addled, card game half-started and not a drop of actual food in their bellies— that’d just be stupid, wouldn’t it.]
[So, objectively: this is a stupid idea. Sparring while tipsy is one thing; sparring while tipsy and dizzingly dazed off a drug he's never before tried is just courting disaster. Even with blunted blades, there's so many ways sparring can go wrong. Broken limbs or dull metal catching at the wrong angle, and it's not that Fenris can't afford a healer, but still, it's not a good idea to court danger. After all, he's only just gotten back to Kirkwall.
But maybe that's why the idea grips him. Because he has just gotten back to Kirkwall (and it is Kirkwall, not home, not anymore, and who knows if it will ever be home again?). Because he doesn't know anyone here anymore, and he is so, so aware of that right now. Everywhere he looks, he sees only ghosts, the echoes of people long since fled and nothing but bitter longing for a time he will never get back aching in his heart. He knows these streets, but then again he doesn't; he knows this city, except in all the ways he doesn't.
He does not want to think, not tonight. He does not want this card game to end and to watch as Astarion made polite motions to end their night and shoo Fenris away. He doesn't want to make that journey back up to Hightown, letting himself into an abandoned mansion, picking his way through the dark so he can crawl beneath cold sheets and drink himself into a miserable stupor, til at last he passes out and shivers his way through a lonely set of nightmares.]
Show me your blades.
[He sets his cards down, flashing a sharp grin, and reaches for the cigarette. One last hit, and oh, he's getting rather good at ignoring that burn.]
Do you have dulled ones, or are we to truly risk ourselves tonight?
[How quickly Fenris catches on. Astarion sparing only a moment for watching the slowly burning remains of that joint perched between sharp claws— and then he shifts, dropping his hand of cards (face down) against the edge of the table, fetching a pair of glassy black daggers from his belt: dark as night, with hilts of cut gemstone that glint like starlit skies when held at the right angle.
A Satinalia gift from Riftwatch’s most terrifying asset.
Like the cards for their game, Astarion sets them down in the middle of their table. An offering.]
These are all I have.
[It’s not a shameful confession; Astarion tends to play for keeps.]
But if you’re worried, I can always wrap them in cloth or something. Keep you safe from my fearsome claws.
[They're beautiful blades. Not because of the gemstones, although he's prepared to admit those please the eye. But there's something soul-sighingly-satisfying about a blade that's well cared for, and so it's that which he notices first: the sheen of oil along the metal, glistening in the candlelight. The proper sharpness of the edge, pricking warningly against the flat of his thumb as he cautiously tests it. There are daggers that are made purely for show, blades that sheen in rainbow hues that couldn't cut through paper, much less flesh, but this . . . oh, no. This is function and form all in one.
A warning, he thinks, setting the dagger back down, for the man opposite him.]
Says the cat to the wolf . . . no, I shall take my chances with your claws.
[Not just because he's reasonably certain he can dodge and weave to his heart's content, but because he doesn't want to delay this little spar. Besides: he doubts he'll end up stabbed. Cut, maybe, but what's a nick or two?
His sword, however . . . ah, that's a blade that means business. No better or worse than daggers when it comes to taking a life, but decidedly faster about it. One misjudged movement and Astarion might have a solid chunk ripped out of him, and that would be a rotten end to the night. Hm.
He glances up at him.]
But allow me use one of them as we spar. Knife to knife . . . and if I beat you anyway, Astarion, with a weapon that is not my primary choice, you shan't have room to brag to me for at least a month.
[Safety first, that's their motto tonight. And ah . . . he means that as a taunt, nothing else. A tease. Certainly nothing that should make his throat stick unexpectedly. He's not a child, it's not that he's losing his composure. It might well be due to the way his throat is burned from that cigarette. But it happens, and Fenris notices, a brief flash of awareness that he shoves away in the next instant.
[A cat to a wolf, Fenris says, and Astarion likes that analogy somehow. All implied power imbalances aside, the descriptors fit more keenly than Fenris might realize.
(Or is that just the ghost of his own lost memories peeking through despite everything?)
Whatever it is, it earns a shockingly wolfish smile from Astarion as he rises to stand (no one pay attention to how he sways at first from moving too quickly, tipsy and high enough that balance has to move in belatedly to adjust) grabbing the bottle of port with one hand, and only one of the daggers with the other.]
Deal.
[said with all the confidence of a creature certain it’ll emerge victorious.]
And if I win...
[If he wins, what. He hadn’t thought this far ahead. Hadn’t wanted anything but the thrill of a good, bloody rush.
So what should he ask for? Hm. Better run with the first thing that comes to mind. Never steered him wrong before.]
You stay the night.
[Oh. Right. He’s drunk. That’s exactly what drunk Astarion would try to grab at.
Oh well. True to oneself, and all. Time to cap it all off with a very charming grin.
...it’s quite possibly the dumbest grin anyone’s ever managed in Kirkwall’s entire history.]
[Who's swaying? No one's swaying, certainly not these two, the world spinning a little and everything coming at a bit of a distance . . . they're fine. It's fine. He takes the other dagger, hefting it, trying to remember how to hold himself. He's been trained on nearly every kind of weapon at one point or another, but daggers were never his strong suit.
Lucky, then, he's distracted by that absolutely idiotic grin. It's so clearly meant to be charming, and honestly, in other contexts, it probably would be! Fenris can admit that. He can admit that Astarion is, ah, attractive, that there's something appealing about those sharpened teeth and glinting eyes, but oh, not when they're both so clearly intoxicated.
Fenris grins, realizes what he's doing half a second later, and glances away, trying to bite it back. Please . . .]
Deal.
[Stay the night, not spread your legs and get on your back. He'll take advantage of that later, if he ends up losing this fight. (And really: he'll stay either way, so long as Astarion won't make a fuss over it. Fenris is going to have to face his mansion sooner or later, but oh, let him put it off for another day. Let him stave off those ghosts as much as he can, though he knows he'll have to face them soon).]
Up on the rooftops? I doubt the guards will care, so long as we stay quiet.
You can stay quiet, can you not?
[It's a joke, a flash of a tease that's swiftly moved past as he adds:]
Or we could make the trek up to Hightown. I leave the choice to you.
[But give him that port, please, don't be greedy, let him have another sip.]
Don't worry. Much as I might loathe the concept of restraint out of principle alone, I do know a thing or two about discreetly knocking blades in public. [He makes a point of drinking first before he passes that bottle along, the taste of overwhelming spice hitting the back of his throat hard enough that he can smell it for a single, pleasant beat. Whatever he'd expected this evening to be (long, long before Fenris came stumbling into view, even), it wasn't anything at all like this.
And he couldn't be happier to be so impossibly wrong.]
To the roofs, I think. [Logic isn't his strongest suit at the moment, but there's still enough learned instinct in him that:] Less risk of running into trouble before we're well and truly warmed up.
[And oh, how his teeth ache for how much he wants to properly prowl— but that can wait. Front door swung open (held for Fenris, of course: he is a gentleman....at times), locked once more, and the tiny enchanted lantern slung just over his front door is given a quick, resounding little tap to knock it into letting out a steady glow.]
Have you...actually ever used a dagger before, or are you trying to lose to me on purpose?
[He could have hesitated a little, but no, that's a very swift answer. Fenris inhales slowly, letting the night air fill his lungs; it doesn't totally clear his head, but at least he isn't outright stumbling as they make their way upwards. The lantern is given a brief glance— useful as an identifier, if and when he wants to find his way back down here— before he heads toward an alley.]
I'm proficient at nearly all weapons. But while I have trained on daggers, it has been a few years since I have handled one. We may be evenly matched.
[Actually, he's fairly sure he will be beaten, if Astarion is as good at blades as he says he is. But so it goes; he won't be so sorry if he loses, but he's certainly going to give it his all. Hup, up a few boxes and lifting himself up over the edge, and just like that, he's on the roof.
A beat, and he turns. Offers his hand out to Astarion, and it's not quite a deliberate mirror of their meeting earlier, but it's not not that, you know? A helping hand, given not because he thinks the other man is helpless, but because he wants to extend it.
Because Astarion, for all Fenris is teasing him right now, has been extraordinarily kind tonight. Distracting him, helping him, weathering the fluctuations of his moods . . . and now this. A perfect distraction, and he will not forget his kindness tonight, no. He may never stop being grateful for it, either.
Either way: it's nice up here, or at least it's as nice as Lowtown ever gets. It's late enough that's it's pleasingly dark; the only people that will see them up here are nonhumans, which is a comfort.]
Tap out. [Astarion asserts blithely, beaming from the shadows of the alleyway as he watches Fenris scurry up over that ledge, his own red eyes glinting hollow like shining little mirrors in the dark.
A cat, as Fenris put it.
Still, it makes the unsubtle, unexpected glance he next casts Fenris’ way in response to that outstretched hand all the more difficult to spot. How he holds his breath without meaning to, a little too drunk to keep from blinking— slightly wide-eyed, the whole of his expression suddenly rounded out and uniquely soft— at the sight of simple gallantry as though that hand is the very first offered to him. The only kindness he's ever been met with.
He takes it only a beat later, mostly using his own nimble momentum to do the job, but not above letting Fenris shoulder at least some of the weight regardless.
And upright once again in clearer night air, Astarion flexes the thinnest of smiles. Fingers curling just a little more around the edges of those talons.
But that’s probably just the heady buzz swimming in his ears that’s to blame for it, right?]
Why not let pride goeth before the fall, rather than injury?
[Slow, his blink there. Relaxed. Smug. Stare fixed entirely on Fenris' own.]
After all...
I’m not afraid of a few pesky little nicks in the name of success.
[And, to that extent: Astarion makes his very first decidedly vicious swing while still clutching Fenris’ kindly offered hand tightly within his own from only a single step away— a clawing swipe with the tip of his dagger, aimed level with the dead center of Fenris' chest.
Terribly rude, terribly amusing, and thank Maker for fast reflexes, for Fenris jerks back swiftly, releasing Astarion's hand in favor of dodging that blade. Ah, fast but not fast enough; he can feel the pain a moment later, the faintest sting that says Astarion had caught him just a little. Chuckling, he darts back, putting a solid few feet between them.
The dagger's handle bites pleasantly into his palm as Fenris shifts his weight, crouching a little, trying to remember everything he'd ever been taught. Stay low, keep yourself small, stay light on your feet— it's all so different than swordwork, far more about weaving and dodging than it is a steady, straightforward attack. Fenris keeps moving, intent on forcing Astarion to circle— not just to keep them both from growing idle, but because it gives him slightly more time to try and find a weak point.
And all the while, he can feel his blood sing. Heart hammering and his senses shifted into high alert, his eyes dragging up and down Astarion's form.]
Come on.
[It's goading he fully expects not to work. Fenris keeps moving (which is really quite a feat in the dark while intoxicated; if Astarion notices him stumbling once or twice, no he didn't), trying to decide if it would be easier to go for broke or keep trying for tactics.]
Or are you only good at sneak attacks? Shall I turn my back?
[A beat, and he spreads his hands, a mocking shrug.]
Go on, Astarion. Show me all that you've learned.
[Because the second Astarion comes for him, he's going to go transparent, thank you very much, and aim for a swift slice at whatever bit of Astarion he can reach.]
[The thing about Astarion is: he’s old. Well. Comparatively, anyway, considering the lifespan of creatures in Thedas— barring either Corypheus or Elder Gods or whatnot. And while his life in Faerûn had been uniquely isolating, when the whole of your world is comprised of endless mockery and crushing cruelty, one tends to build up the thickest of skin, immune entirely to—
Immune—
Oh Astarion.
Circling exactly as he’s boxed in (though it’s a nimble feat outside of the occasional step where he leans too heavily on the edges of his heels), fangs flashing in a vicious smirk at that goading remark, hunger lit like a flame behind his eyes. Eager to prove his own proficiency— his senses alight with the faint scent of blood in the air, like a shark smelling prey; he doesn’t think when he lunges, only moves, blade outstretched in a darting plunge that’d surely, actually stab his own beloved compatriot if not for the sudden flash of fading blue that gives way to nothing.
And then he feels something rip.
Whirling on his heel in the very next beat, Astarion hisses through his daggered fangs, expression painted in indignance:] That’s cheating!
Oh you filthy thing. [A cut now settled high across his arm, just along the curve of his own shoulder, dark fabric having given way to flash a rich line of welling red.
It stings, of course, but that’s all part of the thrill.]
I should’ve guessed you’d be too nervous to fight me without all that lyrium spurring you along. [Another lunge, harsher this time. Wilder swipes and less defensive movements, all quick— laced with snarling, rough-cut laughter.
And he loses track after a point: who’s struck whom, how many times or just how deep some of those nagging little cuts run, but it’s freeing— so impossibly freeing— to just let loose on undriven instinct alone.
But he doesn’t want to tire, he wants to win. It means that somewhere along the way, he makes a move for Fenris’ throat with his blade. Not to cut, only to threaten. A checkmate, of sorts.]
[He has the audacity to laugh as he dances out of the way of those wild slashes— skilled, surely, and they'd slice him right open if there was any of him available to swipe. Fenris leans in, still invisible, murmuring too closely near the back of his neck:]
Does this have rules, Astarion? You ought to have said.
[Away, away, and he reappears, grinning outright. Another slash, and Astarion gets him twice more: once a nick against his side, the tip of the blade snagging into skin and tearing, a bloody wound that looks worse than it is; a slice to his arm, blade sinking through skin, muscle, blood making his shirt stick to his body, and he doesn't actually notice that one, too intent on their fight. Blades flash through the air, glinting in moonlight, and he laughs at one point, adrenaline coursing through his veins and all of him on fire.
This is bliss. This right here, fighting without a single thought in his head, the danger so terribly real and yet safe all at once . . . he loves it. He could do this all night, and the best part is they will. Hunting down slaver scum or some idiotic gang, oh, he is such a violent thing, when all is said and done. Bred into his bones, tangled into his soul, and he cannot help what brings him joy.
They move, dancing in such intricate patterns, til Fenris finds himself suddenly with his back to the wall, shoulderblades digging into crumbling clay and a blade kissing his throat. It doesn't slice, but oh, it comes close. Close enough he daren't swallow, for fear of nicking himself.]
Clever thing.
[But it's good Astarion kept his space. It's very good, for there's the sudden soft prick of a blade's tip against his stomach.]
[It isn’t the full sound, just a half-note in the gap between his own wicked triumph and— well, feeling that dagger-tip pinch hot and harsh against his skin right through silk. When realization settles in under his own glance downwards, it’s only accompanied by a dumbfounded little smile.
Well played, Fenris.]
Hm.
[The blade in his hand tips slightly, flat kissing the contours of Fenris’ throat for one thoughtful beat (the entirety of it spent mulling over the terms of their own victories); in the next breath, that dangerously sharp edge slides higher to nestle devilishly beneath the marked elf’s chin— and then abates entirely.]
You'll stay the night. [He breathes out, decided. Reddened gaze lidding just so.] As agreed.
...and I’ll spare you my boasting for half a month.
[Ah, and he nearly echoes Astarion's little half-note, head tipping back as he feels steel slide against skin. It's equal parts startling and alluring, one last show of prowess that Fenris absolutely makes note of. How can he not? His blade falters, dropping from Astarion's stomach, but it isn't until the other man removes his dagger that Fenris dares swallow.
He's still panting in exertion, his pulse thrumming— oh, they'll have to hunt soon, for now all of Fenris feels alight.]
I'll stay the night, [an agreement, and he can still feel the echoes of cool steel against bare skin, Maker's breath.]
Though I note your compromise only extends to my prize, Astarion . . .
[To be strictly fair, he really ought to be obligated to stay only half the night— and yet he doesn't argue further, for it's not as if he actually wants that, he's just saying. Absently he tongues at his teeth, lingering against one canine, and adds:]
You are good at daggers.
[It's a real compliment, but also, let's put that bragging ban to the test.]
I’m just keeping to the limits of my own self control. [Astarion protests gently, keeping a remarkably sufficient lid on his own instincts in demurely stepping away; the air smells pungent with the shared blood they’ve spilled, his eyes lingering just along the flushed edges of Fenris’ expression— that tongue pressed against the edge of his teeth.
Astarion very much needs that space all of a sudden, thank you.]
Ahah. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing. [He adds slyly in sudden amusement, glance shot back across his own shoulder before— oof. Just a little wince, shaking out his arm where it decides to sting. It’s not the worst they’ve picked up tonight, but somehow it bites more than the others.
And he realizes then than he’s certainly managed to do an ugly little number of his own on Fenris’ side, somewhere around his stomach.
Aren’t they just a pair.]
Come here, darling. [Bottle of wine found (corner of the roof, just near the edge— Fenris must’ve set it there when they first scurried out of the alleyway, which is decidedly better than having left it in the alleyway), Astarion plucks it up and sits down across dusty stone, patting the empty space at his side.] You look like a battered fighting dog if ever I’ve seen one.
No point in letting it fester before we play.
[Play, he says, as if they’re amusing themselves with simple board games.]
Anyway I don’t quite know, if I’m honest. I don’t think this was always my forte— though it’s always possible I was just particularly good at five-fingered-fillet long before my master found me [the latter addition is a joke, judging by his tone] whatever memory I had of my old life is....
[His lips purse, shoulders lifting in an inconsequential shrug.] gone.
[Oh, that's a smart idea, he thinks vaguely. Would he have left his wounds to sort of scab up on their own? Probably! He's good at taking care of himself until he isn't, and a few little cuts don't really register. With a little sigh (that's an absurdly stupid idea, ow), Fenris comes to sit next to him, tugging the edge of his shirt up. He'll return the favor in a moment, he thinks, listening as Astarion speaks—
— ah, and then, quite suddenly, he isn't thinking of his wounds at all. Fenris' eyes dart up, focusing on Astarion sharply. For a moment, there and gone, he worries that perhaps this man is mocking him— but, no there's no hint of cruelty there.
A beat, and he huffs out a bitter sort of laugh.]
We make the start of a terrible joke, you and I.
[Two silver-haired amnesiatic elven ex-slaves climb up on a rooftop . . . Maker's breath.]
It is the mundane things I despise the most. The origin of talents or habits, little peculiarities, one's age . . . and the knowledge that one will never resolve the mystery.
[And he could ask how long Astarion thinks he lost, of course, but . . . well. What would be the answer, save I don't know or I think it may be... Depressing answers, unsatisfying and mundane.]
How long have you been free?
[There, now . . . that's a far better thing to consider.]
[They do make the start of an awful joke, and that offhanded comment earns a dry little snort from Astarion himself as he lifts his sleeve to his mouth, sharp fangs tugging until fabric tears— which admittedly, doesn’t take much with teeth like that.
From there, he puts the silk to the bottle’s lip; a waste of fine wine by some standards, but for a man like Astarion? Well. He imagines there’s no shortage in his future.
He also holds his breath once Fenris opts to lift his shirt.
Maker indeed.]
I told you I’d been in Thedas for a little over half a year now, so...
[Dabbing ever-so-gently at that nasty gash, fingers peerlessly deft in their care; he’s done this all so many times before, well before his freedom was his own, after all.]
Exactly that long.
[...all right, so maybe it's still not the most pleasant topic as far as depressing truths go.]
[He swallows down the hiss of pain; it's nothing, a brief sting that will be well worth it. And hah, no, perhaps not such a joyful answer, but still, an interesting one.]
Do not take this the wrong way. But I am shocked you are . . .
[How to say this? Fenris gestures vaguely at all of Astarion. Vivid and bright, capable of drawling jokes and teasing flirtations, hedonistic and kind . . .]
That there is a you that exists outside of his shadow.
Six months out of slavery . . .
[He remembers himself six months out of slavery, and oh, what a strange creature he was. Half-feral, really; a scrap of personality mixed in with paranoid terror and overwhelming grief and guilt . . . he barely spoke to anyone, eking out survival and slowly learning how to function one day at a time.
Fenris smiles thinly.]
You handle it far better than I did.
Then again: perhaps we were used to different ends. A personality, beyond intimidating, was not what my master designed me for— ah.
[He say that out of pain, surely. Certainly not for the frankly unfamiliar sensation of someone else's fingers against his skin. Not sexual, nothing like that, but . . . it's been a long time since he's been touched by anyone, friend or foe.]
[It’s teasing, but...maybe not quite. Or not entirely. Or it doesn’t feel like some purely offhanded quip without gravity or weight. The smile he wears is distracted now. Almost lost beneath the focus of his work.]
Oh yes. Fearsome thing that you are, wincing over a little wine. [Said with yet another weighty dab along the edge of blotted crimson where it offsets skin framed by lines of vivid blue.
Joking, when he can well imagine the sort of power Fenris' former master had hoped to hold sole control over. How thrilling that must have been for a creature so wretched, so familiar as one undoubtedly cut from Cazador's own figurative cloth.
He can easily picture in his mind just how a man like that would treat its muzzled hound.]
But...I suppose you’re probably right. Cazador had no lack of puppets to do his bidding, after all, so our roles were distinct. Suited to his tastes, I suppose.
Or perhaps he just knew I did better on my back than on my heels.
[Bleak talk, but Astarion wears it as though talking about nothing more than the weather itself.]
Either way, I imagine there’s something to be said for all the brief little flickers of agency I’d been granted over the years.
Some of his pets never even had that, in all honesty.
[But the blood is clotted now, mostly. The skin around it cleaned.
He’s satisfied with his work, and so, fitting his fingertips across Fenris’ own, lightly presses that hold (and the shirt itself by proxy) back down into place.]
There. Good as new.
[...aside from the myriad other cuts that is, but who’s really counting.]
[He hears those little details for what they are: confessions, offered fleetingly, one hand darting into the light before being snatched back. And why shouldn't he offer details in such a manner? After all they have endured (and Astarion, Fenris thinks, has endured a great deal, no matter how long his enslavement or what he was used for; a slave is a miserable thing), they've earned the right to share their pasts like this.
Off-handed comments. Jokes that aren't funny at all. Details meant to horrify and enlighten all at once without making them seem weak, in need of pity. Fenris used to snarlingly offered his past to anyone who dared inquire, refusing to back down, sickeningly satisfied (and yet not at all) when they flinched. Look at what I have endured, look at what he did to me, and it did not wholly quiet the screaming in his soul, but at least it was a start.
Odd, now, to see it mirrored in Astarion. And odder still: that he does not quite know how to respond.
It's one of the first times he's spoken to a former slave like this, after all. Oh, there were plenty of rescues, but that doesn't count; grateful elves who avoided a horrifying fate, not slaves proper. And Orana . . . well. He'd barely interacted with her, skittish for reasons he couldn't quite understand.
Danarius used to, he thinks of saying, but even as he does the memories dart forward. Clammy hands and moonlit bedrooms, his thighs trembling and his eyes focused on a point in the wall— and it mixes, Danarius' voice amused as he'd stared at Hawke, the lad is rather skilled, isn't he?, humiliation and horror and—
And then fingers, cool and deft, brushing over his own. Like crisp water cutting through the sand and mud, a stark reminder that cajoles rather than drags him back to the present. Fenris blinks, focuses, and then nods at the slice on Astarion's shoulder.]
Now you.
[He doesn't wait for answer. Just takes bottle and cloth, splashing the wine haphazardly against the bloodied fabric. Somewhat horribly, he then takes a drink of that bottle, but eh, it's fine.]
Turn around.
[And he waits, patient as the grave, until Astarion obeys. His fingers tug at fabric, prying his shirt a little farther open, holding it steady as he begins to apply that cloth. Then, quietly:]
I am sorry I do not recall it. [You.]
But I am glad I could be of help.
[Ah, and how to say this . . .]
I do not doubt your expertise, nor your competence. And I have little doubt you would be fine without me. But if there are things that you need to learn, that were never taught to you . . .
[No one ever realizes that slaves aren't taught to cook, not unless they're assigned to the kitchen. Nor clean, not really, not if you're a bodyguard or a bedwarmer. How to wash clothing, how to manage money (oh, he'd had trouble with that), how to know when food rots or learn how to care for yourself . . . all those little things that people learn growing up that they never had.
His tone a little more light, then, an intentional joke at his expense:]
I ate two meals a day at a tavern for a year before I learned how to cook.
[It's true, but also, it's an easy way to deflect if Astarion doesn't take to the implied offer.]
[His mouth is open before he knows what to say. And maybe it’s a mercy, the sharpness of the burning bite that follows, cool cloth pressed to even cooler skin as the whole of his posture straightens, rigid as a board. A little hiss slipping through sharp teeth.
So much for all his own tall talk.
But the next time Fenris works damp silk over skin, he’s silent. Settling by slow degrees as though sinking into a warm bath; he’s had so much worse than this, after all, and the feeling of warm fingertips perching light across his skin relaxes him more than it should.
Even so, he’s never really been capable of letting kindness slip in through his defenses, thinking it to be a dagger rather than a balm. A weapon, alluring to grasp for and damningly dangerous to leave pressed against one's skin. And yet maybe— maybe careful acceptance takes root in the silence between breaths. In the way his expression, tipped low into shadow— dark lashes fitted heavy across downturned eyes (eyes that can only seem to take Fenris in peripherally now), pale curls obscuring what little there is to observe— doesn't twist itself into either scorn or bruising humor.
Against all his own screaming instincts, that offer isn’t actually unwanted.
But he still blinks too often regardless for a beat, the tips of his canines imperceptibly working, the way a beaten animal might worry at its own leg in a cage. His facade is perfect. He holds his head high in the Gallows. He laughs about the murals painted across every other street here, attestations to old pain. Buildings built like prison walls— even the rusted spikes that jut harshly from the rooftops, only a few feet away from where they sit now. And he is happy. More than he’s ever had the chance to be before.
That doesn't change the fact that there are gaps in the seams. Little snags. Places where nothing sits right and that emptiness snarls outstretched fingertips when touched.
And it shows, now. A flicker of brittle uncertainty worn behind bright red eyes.
Before he looks away.
Before his fingers find that bottle and pull it quickly to his own lips, and it tastes— different this time. Ringing faintly of something far more potent. Soothing.]
...thank you.
[Gratitude laid bare. The fragile makings of trust.
Not for old memories, scattered at their backs like displaced dust— but for what he offers now. Openhanded. Unconditional.
[He says it carefully after a few moments of thought. You're welcome sounds trite, and it's my pleasure is true, but equally sticky. It's nothing is a falsehood and a sour one, for it isn't nothing. Fenris knows the weight of what he offers. He can hear in the fragile tone Astarion's voice has taken. The sharp difference from the man of before, flirtatious and vivacious, oh darling that's not fair, oh, darling, what a difference.
He had spoken before to Astarion, Rifter. A man freed from his past, forcibly brought into a new world and hungry to delve into it. He likes that man, Fenris realizes, but that man is but one facet of the whole. Now, Fenris thinks, and drags the wet cloth against his shoulder, now he speaks to Astarion the slave. A creature just as messy as Fenris himself, personality and instincts not naturally developed, but cobbled and stitched together as best they could, stolen moments eked out despite their masters' best efforts.
He wonders, faintly, if Astarion knows what his favorite food is. If he knows what hobbies he enjoys, or what music best pleases his ear. Little things, basic things, and oh, it's easy to point to all the horrors of slavery, but it's the mundane things stolen away that overwhelm him after all these years.
Has he ever met anyone who understood that?
It doesn't take long to clean out the wound. They both of them might do well to bandage their wounds later, but nor will they be actively bleeding. With a little hum he draws the fabric back, setting it on the ledge, tugging at Astarion's shirt to cover him up once more.]
We could hunt slavers.
[He says it a bit more normally. An easy way to move past the emotion of the moment, for all that he feels as though his skin is electrified, buzzing with this realization.]
Fitting, for tonight. But if Kirkwall has not changed too much these past few years, there are always gangs stalking the streets. There's good coin to be made from killing them.
[It’s a relief, those words. Hearing it at last from someone other than himself and his own ceaselessly feigned bravado. Understanding, unforced under the weight of Fenris' stare, and it sticks beneath his ribs like held breath. Like the pang of being seen for the first time out of Cazador's shadow, pulsebeat faint as it fumbles.
That subsequent segue from ancient aches to fresher opportunity finding its footing with such ease, and Astarion's expression brightens within its span; weariness peeling away like paint.
The last sip of wine offered in rapidly forgotten gratitude— which isn’t erased so much as pressed to the side for a little while, making room for Astarion, the Rifter once more.]
The latter, I think. [Because he needs coin. Always. And not just for petty vanity.
A truth that now— he’s certain— needs no explanation between them.] Though I do wonder.
Do they try to cheat you out of a proper bounty as much as they cheat me?
No— or at least, they did not used to. But that, at least, I had little to do with. Hawke was well known in these parts, and few wished to offend the Champion— nor any of her friends.
[He shrugs one shoulder. And ah, a mercy: it's almost easy to say was instead of is when it comes to his fallen friend. Fenris leans back, resting his weight on one hand, glancing out at the city with a little frown.]
I do not know if that reputation will hold. Unlikely, but perhaps. But I suspect I can persuade them if they attempt to cheat us both. My claymore is not just for show, and fortunately, most people realize that.
[Although, actually . . .]
How much protection does Riftwatch afford?
[Because it was one thing when he had Hawke's reputation and Aveline's position as Captain of the Guard to protect him. He had not relied on them too often, but still, it was a safeguard against all the typical elvish prejudice rife in Kirkwall.]
Do they leave us to fend for ourselves, or offer their weight as protection?
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What has died once can always die again.]
Is that right?
[He actually laughs. It's a little mean, but on the other hand, it isn't really meant nastily. He's just that confident in his own skills.]
Careful, Astarion. I will not say it's impossible for me to be beaten, but it is no easy feat. Don't talk yourself up too much.
[It's teasing, but there's something quietly excited in his gaze. It's been a long, long time since he's gotten to do anything so mundane as . . . well, this. Casually challenging someone to a battle whose outcome almost doesn't matter; playfully trash-talking, a luxury so mundane he'd forgotten how good it felt.]
There are two ways for you to go about attempting to prove that. We could spar. I know a few places where we'd have plenty of room.
Or you can accompany me on a hunt.
[Or both, frankly. There's nothing to say they can't do both: sparring down the hallways of his oversized mansion, weaving in and out of patches of moonlight, blades flashing and all of him trembling in exertion— and then, later, all the joyful, hopeful, fantastic thrills of killing those that no longer deserve to live.
Either way: he reaches for the cigarette. The heady, pleasantly dizzy feeling it offers is a relief in more ways than one, just as the port is. Fenris trades in a card— higher, though not as risky as Astarion's own— and absolutely in no way scowls at the shit card he picks up.]
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Astarion tries— passively— to picture it as the vertiginous flow of cigarette smoke tangibly weaves its way in across his peripheral senses. Tingling ever-so-light, like the first, strangely numb feeling of a limb losing its own circulation, though not at all unpleasant. He’s done this enough times (in good company and poor alike, too) that there’s no losing track of either himself or his train of thought. Just the pleasantness of it, mirroring how much he enjoys—
Well, all of this.
But still, under the sound of that rolling laugh, rough and pretty all the same, he does wonder.]
Whetting our appetites before a decent meal sounds thrilling a prospect as any.
[And, despite the danger they’ve only just escaped, he considers asking for it right now.
Still, immediate risks being what they are— slightly drunk and slightly addled, card game half-started and not a drop of actual food in their bellies— that’d just be stupid, wouldn’t it.]
We should do it tonight.
[Good job, Astarion.]
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But maybe that's why the idea grips him. Because he has just gotten back to Kirkwall (and it is Kirkwall, not home, not anymore, and who knows if it will ever be home again?). Because he doesn't know anyone here anymore, and he is so, so aware of that right now. Everywhere he looks, he sees only ghosts, the echoes of people long since fled and nothing but bitter longing for a time he will never get back aching in his heart. He knows these streets, but then again he doesn't; he knows this city, except in all the ways he doesn't.
He does not want to think, not tonight. He does not want this card game to end and to watch as Astarion made polite motions to end their night and shoo Fenris away. He doesn't want to make that journey back up to Hightown, letting himself into an abandoned mansion, picking his way through the dark so he can crawl beneath cold sheets and drink himself into a miserable stupor, til at last he passes out and shivers his way through a lonely set of nightmares.]
Show me your blades.
[He sets his cards down, flashing a sharp grin, and reaches for the cigarette. One last hit, and oh, he's getting rather good at ignoring that burn.]
Do you have dulled ones, or are we to truly risk ourselves tonight?
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A Satinalia gift from Riftwatch’s most terrifying asset.
Like the cards for their game, Astarion sets them down in the middle of their table. An offering.]
These are all I have.
[It’s not a shameful confession; Astarion tends to play for keeps.]
But if you’re worried, I can always wrap them in cloth or something. Keep you safe from my fearsome claws.
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A warning, he thinks, setting the dagger back down, for the man opposite him.]
Says the cat to the wolf . . . no, I shall take my chances with your claws.
[Not just because he's reasonably certain he can dodge and weave to his heart's content, but because he doesn't want to delay this little spar. Besides: he doubts he'll end up stabbed. Cut, maybe, but what's a nick or two?
His sword, however . . . ah, that's a blade that means business. No better or worse than daggers when it comes to taking a life, but decidedly faster about it. One misjudged movement and Astarion might have a solid chunk ripped out of him, and that would be a rotten end to the night. Hm.
He glances up at him.]
But allow me use one of them as we spar. Knife to knife . . . and if I beat you anyway, Astarion, with a weapon that is not my primary choice, you shan't have room to brag to me for at least a month.
[Safety first, that's their motto tonight. And ah . . . he means that as a taunt, nothing else. A tease. Certainly nothing that should make his throat stick unexpectedly. He's not a child, it's not that he's losing his composure. It might well be due to the way his throat is burned from that cigarette. But it happens, and Fenris notices, a brief flash of awareness that he shoves away in the next instant.
(He just misses his friends, that's all).]
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(Or is that just the ghost of his own lost memories peeking through despite everything?)
Whatever it is, it earns a shockingly wolfish smile from Astarion as he rises to stand (no one pay attention to how he sways at first from moving too quickly, tipsy and high enough that balance has to move in belatedly to adjust) grabbing the bottle of port with one hand, and only one of the daggers with the other.]
Deal.
[said with all the confidence of a creature certain it’ll emerge victorious.]
And if I win...
[If he wins, what. He hadn’t thought this far ahead. Hadn’t wanted anything but the thrill of a good, bloody rush.
So what should he ask for? Hm. Better run with the first thing that comes to mind. Never steered him wrong before.]
You stay the night.
[Oh. Right. He’s drunk. That’s exactly what drunk Astarion would try to grab at.
Oh well. True to oneself, and all. Time to cap it all off with a very charming grin.
...it’s quite possibly the dumbest grin anyone’s ever managed in Kirkwall’s entire history.]
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Lucky, then, he's distracted by that absolutely idiotic grin. It's so clearly meant to be charming, and honestly, in other contexts, it probably would be! Fenris can admit that. He can admit that Astarion is, ah, attractive, that there's something appealing about those sharpened teeth and glinting eyes, but oh, not when they're both so clearly intoxicated.
Fenris grins, realizes what he's doing half a second later, and glances away, trying to bite it back. Please . . .]
Deal.
[Stay the night, not spread your legs and get on your back. He'll take advantage of that later, if he ends up losing this fight. (And really: he'll stay either way, so long as Astarion won't make a fuss over it. Fenris is going to have to face his mansion sooner or later, but oh, let him put it off for another day. Let him stave off those ghosts as much as he can, though he knows he'll have to face them soon).]
Up on the rooftops? I doubt the guards will care, so long as we stay quiet.
You can stay quiet, can you not?
[It's a joke, a flash of a tease that's swiftly moved past as he adds:]
Or we could make the trek up to Hightown. I leave the choice to you.
[But give him that port, please, don't be greedy, let him have another sip.]
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Don't worry. Much as I might loathe the concept of restraint out of principle alone, I do know a thing or two about discreetly knocking blades in public. [He makes a point of drinking first before he passes that bottle along, the taste of overwhelming spice hitting the back of his throat hard enough that he can smell it for a single, pleasant beat. Whatever he'd expected this evening to be (long, long before Fenris came stumbling into view, even), it wasn't anything at all like this.
And he couldn't be happier to be so impossibly wrong.]
To the roofs, I think. [Logic isn't his strongest suit at the moment, but there's still enough learned instinct in him that:] Less risk of running into trouble before we're well and truly warmed up.
[And oh, how his teeth ache for how much he wants to properly prowl— but that can wait. Front door swung open (held for Fenris, of course: he is a gentleman....at times), locked once more, and the tiny enchanted lantern slung just over his front door is given a quick, resounding little tap to knock it into letting out a steady glow.]
Have you...actually ever used a dagger before, or are you trying to lose to me on purpose?
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[He could have hesitated a little, but no, that's a very swift answer. Fenris inhales slowly, letting the night air fill his lungs; it doesn't totally clear his head, but at least he isn't outright stumbling as they make their way upwards. The lantern is given a brief glance— useful as an identifier, if and when he wants to find his way back down here— before he heads toward an alley.]
I'm proficient at nearly all weapons. But while I have trained on daggers, it has been a few years since I have handled one. We may be evenly matched.
[Actually, he's fairly sure he will be beaten, if Astarion is as good at blades as he says he is. But so it goes; he won't be so sorry if he loses, but he's certainly going to give it his all. Hup, up a few boxes and lifting himself up over the edge, and just like that, he's on the roof.
A beat, and he turns. Offers his hand out to Astarion, and it's not quite a deliberate mirror of their meeting earlier, but it's not not that, you know? A helping hand, given not because he thinks the other man is helpless, but because he wants to extend it.
Because Astarion, for all Fenris is teasing him right now, has been extraordinarily kind tonight. Distracting him, helping him, weathering the fluctuations of his moods . . . and now this. A perfect distraction, and he will not forget his kindness tonight, no. He may never stop being grateful for it, either.
Either way: it's nice up here, or at least it's as nice as Lowtown ever gets. It's late enough that's it's pleasingly dark; the only people that will see them up here are nonhumans, which is a comfort.]
Hm. First to tap out loses? Or first to be cut?
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A cat, as Fenris put it.
Still, it makes the unsubtle, unexpected glance he next casts Fenris’ way in response to that outstretched hand all the more difficult to spot. How he holds his breath without meaning to, a little too drunk to keep from blinking— slightly wide-eyed, the whole of his expression suddenly rounded out and uniquely soft— at the sight of simple gallantry as though that hand is the very first offered to him. The only kindness he's ever been met with.
He takes it only a beat later, mostly using his own nimble momentum to do the job, but not above letting Fenris shoulder at least some of the weight regardless.
And upright once again in clearer night air, Astarion flexes the thinnest of smiles. Fingers curling just a little more around the edges of those talons.
But that’s probably just the heady buzz swimming in his ears that’s to blame for it, right?]
Why not let pride goeth before the fall, rather than injury?
[Slow, his blink there. Relaxed. Smug. Stare fixed entirely on Fenris' own.]
After all...
I’m not afraid of a few pesky little nicks in the name of success.
[And, to that extent: Astarion makes his very first decidedly vicious swing while still clutching Fenris’ kindly offered hand tightly within his own from only a single step away— a clawing swipe with the tip of his dagger, aimed level with the dead center of Fenris' chest.
Never trust a rogue, darling.]
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Terribly rude, terribly amusing, and thank Maker for fast reflexes, for Fenris jerks back swiftly, releasing Astarion's hand in favor of dodging that blade. Ah, fast but not fast enough; he can feel the pain a moment later, the faintest sting that says Astarion had caught him just a little. Chuckling, he darts back, putting a solid few feet between them.
The dagger's handle bites pleasantly into his palm as Fenris shifts his weight, crouching a little, trying to remember everything he'd ever been taught. Stay low, keep yourself small, stay light on your feet— it's all so different than swordwork, far more about weaving and dodging than it is a steady, straightforward attack. Fenris keeps moving, intent on forcing Astarion to circle— not just to keep them both from growing idle, but because it gives him slightly more time to try and find a weak point.
And all the while, he can feel his blood sing. Heart hammering and his senses shifted into high alert, his eyes dragging up and down Astarion's form.]
Come on.
[It's goading he fully expects not to work. Fenris keeps moving (which is really quite a feat in the dark while intoxicated; if Astarion notices him stumbling once or twice, no he didn't), trying to decide if it would be easier to go for broke or keep trying for tactics.]
Or are you only good at sneak attacks? Shall I turn my back?
[A beat, and he spreads his hands, a mocking shrug.]
Go on, Astarion. Show me all that you've learned.
[Because the second Astarion comes for him, he's going to go transparent, thank you very much, and aim for a swift slice at whatever bit of Astarion he can reach.]
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Immune—
Oh Astarion.
Circling exactly as he’s boxed in (though it’s a nimble feat outside of the occasional step where he leans too heavily on the edges of his heels), fangs flashing in a vicious smirk at that goading remark, hunger lit like a flame behind his eyes. Eager to prove his own proficiency— his senses alight with the faint scent of blood in the air, like a shark smelling prey; he doesn’t think when he lunges, only moves, blade outstretched in a darting plunge that’d surely, actually stab his own beloved compatriot if not for the sudden flash of fading blue that gives way to nothing.
And then he feels something rip.
Whirling on his heel in the very next beat, Astarion hisses through his daggered fangs, expression painted in indignance:] That’s cheating!
Oh you filthy thing. [A cut now settled high across his arm, just along the curve of his own shoulder, dark fabric having given way to flash a rich line of welling red.
It stings, of course, but that’s all part of the thrill.]
I should’ve guessed you’d be too nervous to fight me without all that lyrium spurring you along. [Another lunge, harsher this time. Wilder swipes and less defensive movements, all quick— laced with snarling, rough-cut laughter.
And he loses track after a point: who’s struck whom, how many times or just how deep some of those nagging little cuts run, but it’s freeing— so impossibly freeing— to just let loose on undriven instinct alone.
But he doesn’t want to tire, he wants to win. It means that somewhere along the way, he makes a move for Fenris’ throat with his blade. Not to cut, only to threaten. A checkmate, of sorts.]
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Does this have rules, Astarion? You ought to have said.
[Away, away, and he reappears, grinning outright. Another slash, and Astarion gets him twice more: once a nick against his side, the tip of the blade snagging into skin and tearing, a bloody wound that looks worse than it is; a slice to his arm, blade sinking through skin, muscle, blood making his shirt stick to his body, and he doesn't actually notice that one, too intent on their fight. Blades flash through the air, glinting in moonlight, and he laughs at one point, adrenaline coursing through his veins and all of him on fire.
This is bliss. This right here, fighting without a single thought in his head, the danger so terribly real and yet safe all at once . . . he loves it. He could do this all night, and the best part is they will. Hunting down slaver scum or some idiotic gang, oh, he is such a violent thing, when all is said and done. Bred into his bones, tangled into his soul, and he cannot help what brings him joy.
They move, dancing in such intricate patterns, til Fenris finds himself suddenly with his back to the wall, shoulderblades digging into crumbling clay and a blade kissing his throat. It doesn't slice, but oh, it comes close. Close enough he daren't swallow, for fear of nicking himself.]
Clever thing.
[But it's good Astarion kept his space. It's very good, for there's the sudden soft prick of a blade's tip against his stomach.]
And now what, hm?
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[It isn’t the full sound, just a half-note in the gap between his own wicked triumph and— well, feeling that dagger-tip pinch hot and harsh against his skin right through silk. When realization settles in under his own glance downwards, it’s only accompanied by a dumbfounded little smile.
Well played, Fenris.]
Hm.
[The blade in his hand tips slightly, flat kissing the contours of Fenris’ throat for one thoughtful beat (the entirety of it spent mulling over the terms of their own victories); in the next breath, that dangerously sharp edge slides higher to nestle devilishly beneath the marked elf’s chin— and then abates entirely.]
You'll stay the night. [He breathes out, decided. Reddened gaze lidding just so.] As agreed.
...and I’ll spare you my boasting for half a month.
[A tie, in other words. Sort of.]
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He's still panting in exertion, his pulse thrumming— oh, they'll have to hunt soon, for now all of Fenris feels alight.]
I'll stay the night, [an agreement, and he can still feel the echoes of cool steel against bare skin, Maker's breath.]
Though I note your compromise only extends to my prize, Astarion . . .
[To be strictly fair, he really ought to be obligated to stay only half the night— and yet he doesn't argue further, for it's not as if he actually wants that, he's just saying. Absently he tongues at his teeth, lingering against one canine, and adds:]
You are good at daggers.
[It's a real compliment, but also, let's put that bragging ban to the test.]
Where did you learn how to wield them?
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Astarion very much needs that space all of a sudden, thank you.]
Ahah. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing. [He adds slyly in sudden amusement, glance shot back across his own shoulder before— oof. Just a little wince, shaking out his arm where it decides to sting. It’s not the worst they’ve picked up tonight, but somehow it bites more than the others.
And he realizes then than he’s certainly managed to do an ugly little number of his own on Fenris’ side, somewhere around his stomach.
Aren’t they just a pair.]
Come here, darling. [Bottle of wine found (corner of the roof, just near the edge— Fenris must’ve set it there when they first scurried out of the alleyway, which is decidedly better than having left it in the alleyway), Astarion plucks it up and sits down across dusty stone, patting the empty space at his side.] You look like a battered fighting dog if ever I’ve seen one.
No point in letting it fester before we play.
[Play, he says, as if they’re amusing themselves with simple board games.]
Anyway I don’t quite know, if I’m honest. I don’t think this was always my forte— though it’s always possible I was just particularly good at five-fingered-fillet long before my master found me [the latter addition is a joke, judging by his tone] whatever memory I had of my old life is....
[His lips purse, shoulders lifting in an inconsequential shrug.] gone.
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— ah, and then, quite suddenly, he isn't thinking of his wounds at all. Fenris' eyes dart up, focusing on Astarion sharply. For a moment, there and gone, he worries that perhaps this man is mocking him— but, no there's no hint of cruelty there.
A beat, and he huffs out a bitter sort of laugh.]
We make the start of a terrible joke, you and I.
[Two silver-haired amnesiatic elven ex-slaves climb up on a rooftop . . . Maker's breath.]
It is the mundane things I despise the most. The origin of talents or habits, little peculiarities, one's age . . . and the knowledge that one will never resolve the mystery.
[And he could ask how long Astarion thinks he lost, of course, but . . . well. What would be the answer, save I don't know or I think it may be... Depressing answers, unsatisfying and mundane.]
How long have you been free?
[There, now . . . that's a far better thing to consider.]
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From there, he puts the silk to the bottle’s lip; a waste of fine wine by some standards, but for a man like Astarion? Well. He imagines there’s no shortage in his future.
He also holds his breath once Fenris opts to lift his shirt.
Maker indeed.]
I told you I’d been in Thedas for a little over half a year now, so...
[Dabbing ever-so-gently at that nasty gash, fingers peerlessly deft in their care; he’s done this all so many times before, well before his freedom was his own, after all.]
Exactly that long.
[...all right, so maybe it's still not the most pleasant topic as far as depressing truths go.]
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Do not take this the wrong way. But I am shocked you are . . .
[How to say this? Fenris gestures vaguely at all of Astarion. Vivid and bright, capable of drawling jokes and teasing flirtations, hedonistic and kind . . .]
That there is a you that exists outside of his shadow.
Six months out of slavery . . .
[He remembers himself six months out of slavery, and oh, what a strange creature he was. Half-feral, really; a scrap of personality mixed in with paranoid terror and overwhelming grief and guilt . . . he barely spoke to anyone, eking out survival and slowly learning how to function one day at a time.
Fenris smiles thinly.]
You handle it far better than I did.
Then again: perhaps we were used to different ends. A personality, beyond intimidating, was not what my master designed me for— ah.
[He say that out of pain, surely. Certainly not for the frankly unfamiliar sensation of someone else's fingers against his skin. Not sexual, nothing like that, but . . . it's been a long time since he's been touched by anyone, friend or foe.]
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I had you there to help me.
[It’s teasing, but...maybe not quite. Or not entirely. Or it doesn’t feel like some purely offhanded quip without gravity or weight. The smile he wears is distracted now. Almost lost beneath the focus of his work.]
Oh yes. Fearsome thing that you are, wincing over a little wine. [Said with yet another weighty dab along the edge of blotted crimson where it offsets skin framed by lines of vivid blue.
Joking, when he can well imagine the sort of power Fenris' former master had hoped to hold sole control over. How thrilling that must have been for a creature so wretched, so familiar as one undoubtedly cut from Cazador's own figurative cloth.
He can easily picture in his mind just how a man like that would treat its muzzled hound.]
But...I suppose you’re probably right. Cazador had no lack of puppets to do his bidding, after all, so our roles were distinct. Suited to his tastes, I suppose.
Or perhaps he just knew I did better on my back than on my heels.
[Bleak talk, but Astarion wears it as though talking about nothing more than the weather itself.]
Either way, I imagine there’s something to be said for all the brief little flickers of agency I’d been granted over the years.
Some of his pets never even had that, in all honesty.
[But the blood is clotted now, mostly. The skin around it cleaned.
He’s satisfied with his work, and so, fitting his fingertips across Fenris’ own, lightly presses that hold (and the shirt itself by proxy) back down into place.]
There. Good as new.
[...aside from the myriad other cuts that is, but who’s really counting.]
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Off-handed comments. Jokes that aren't funny at all. Details meant to horrify and enlighten all at once without making them seem weak, in need of pity. Fenris used to snarlingly offered his past to anyone who dared inquire, refusing to back down, sickeningly satisfied (and yet not at all) when they flinched. Look at what I have endured, look at what he did to me, and it did not wholly quiet the screaming in his soul, but at least it was a start.
Odd, now, to see it mirrored in Astarion. And odder still: that he does not quite know how to respond.
It's one of the first times he's spoken to a former slave like this, after all. Oh, there were plenty of rescues, but that doesn't count; grateful elves who avoided a horrifying fate, not slaves proper. And Orana . . . well. He'd barely interacted with her, skittish for reasons he couldn't quite understand.
Danarius used to, he thinks of saying, but even as he does the memories dart forward. Clammy hands and moonlit bedrooms, his thighs trembling and his eyes focused on a point in the wall— and it mixes, Danarius' voice amused as he'd stared at Hawke, the lad is rather skilled, isn't he?, humiliation and horror and—
And then fingers, cool and deft, brushing over his own. Like crisp water cutting through the sand and mud, a stark reminder that cajoles rather than drags him back to the present. Fenris blinks, focuses, and then nods at the slice on Astarion's shoulder.]
Now you.
[He doesn't wait for answer. Just takes bottle and cloth, splashing the wine haphazardly against the bloodied fabric. Somewhat horribly, he then takes a drink of that bottle, but eh, it's fine.]
Turn around.
[And he waits, patient as the grave, until Astarion obeys. His fingers tug at fabric, prying his shirt a little farther open, holding it steady as he begins to apply that cloth. Then, quietly:]
I am sorry I do not recall it. [You.]
But I am glad I could be of help.
[Ah, and how to say this . . .]
I do not doubt your expertise, nor your competence. And I have little doubt you would be fine without me. But if there are things that you need to learn, that were never taught to you . . .
[No one ever realizes that slaves aren't taught to cook, not unless they're assigned to the kitchen. Nor clean, not really, not if you're a bodyguard or a bedwarmer. How to wash clothing, how to manage money (oh, he'd had trouble with that), how to know when food rots or learn how to care for yourself . . . all those little things that people learn growing up that they never had.
His tone a little more light, then, an intentional joke at his expense:]
I ate two meals a day at a tavern for a year before I learned how to cook.
[It's true, but also, it's an easy way to deflect if Astarion doesn't take to the implied offer.]
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[His mouth is open before he knows what to say. And maybe it’s a mercy, the sharpness of the burning bite that follows, cool cloth pressed to even cooler skin as the whole of his posture straightens, rigid as a board. A little hiss slipping through sharp teeth.
So much for all his own tall talk.
But the next time Fenris works damp silk over skin, he’s silent. Settling by slow degrees as though sinking into a warm bath; he’s had so much worse than this, after all, and the feeling of warm fingertips perching light across his skin relaxes him more than it should.
Even so, he’s never really been capable of letting kindness slip in through his defenses, thinking it to be a dagger rather than a balm. A weapon, alluring to grasp for and damningly dangerous to leave pressed against one's skin. And yet maybe— maybe careful acceptance takes root in the silence between breaths. In the way his expression, tipped low into shadow— dark lashes fitted heavy across downturned eyes (eyes that can only seem to take Fenris in peripherally now), pale curls obscuring what little there is to observe— doesn't twist itself into either scorn or bruising humor.
Against all his own screaming instincts, that offer isn’t actually unwanted.
But he still blinks too often regardless for a beat, the tips of his canines imperceptibly working, the way a beaten animal might worry at its own leg in a cage. His facade is perfect. He holds his head high in the Gallows. He laughs about the murals painted across every other street here, attestations to old pain. Buildings built like prison walls— even the rusted spikes that jut harshly from the rooftops, only a few feet away from where they sit now. And he is happy. More than he’s ever had the chance to be before.
That doesn't change the fact that there are gaps in the seams. Little snags. Places where nothing sits right and that emptiness snarls outstretched fingertips when touched.
And it shows, now. A flicker of brittle uncertainty worn behind bright red eyes.
Before he looks away.
Before his fingers find that bottle and pull it quickly to his own lips, and it tastes— different this time. Ringing faintly of something far more potent. Soothing.]
...thank you.
[Gratitude laid bare. The fragile makings of trust.
Not for old memories, scattered at their backs like displaced dust— but for what he offers now. Openhanded. Unconditional.
Mercy for a monster.]
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[He says it carefully after a few moments of thought. You're welcome sounds trite, and it's my pleasure is true, but equally sticky. It's nothing is a falsehood and a sour one, for it isn't nothing. Fenris knows the weight of what he offers. He can hear in the fragile tone Astarion's voice has taken. The sharp difference from the man of before, flirtatious and vivacious, oh darling that's not fair, oh, darling, what a difference.
He had spoken before to Astarion, Rifter. A man freed from his past, forcibly brought into a new world and hungry to delve into it. He likes that man, Fenris realizes, but that man is but one facet of the whole. Now, Fenris thinks, and drags the wet cloth against his shoulder, now he speaks to Astarion the slave. A creature just as messy as Fenris himself, personality and instincts not naturally developed, but cobbled and stitched together as best they could, stolen moments eked out despite their masters' best efforts.
He wonders, faintly, if Astarion knows what his favorite food is. If he knows what hobbies he enjoys, or what music best pleases his ear. Little things, basic things, and oh, it's easy to point to all the horrors of slavery, but it's the mundane things stolen away that overwhelm him after all these years.
Has he ever met anyone who understood that?
It doesn't take long to clean out the wound. They both of them might do well to bandage their wounds later, but nor will they be actively bleeding. With a little hum he draws the fabric back, setting it on the ledge, tugging at Astarion's shirt to cover him up once more.]
We could hunt slavers.
[He says it a bit more normally. An easy way to move past the emotion of the moment, for all that he feels as though his skin is electrified, buzzing with this realization.]
Fitting, for tonight. But if Kirkwall has not changed too much these past few years, there are always gangs stalking the streets. There's good coin to be made from killing them.
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That subsequent segue from ancient aches to fresher opportunity finding its footing with such ease, and Astarion's expression brightens within its span; weariness peeling away like paint.
The last sip of wine offered in rapidly forgotten gratitude— which isn’t erased so much as pressed to the side for a little while, making room for Astarion, the Rifter once more.]
The latter, I think. [Because he needs coin. Always. And not just for petty vanity.
A truth that now— he’s certain— needs no explanation between them.] Though I do wonder.
Do they try to cheat you out of a proper bounty as much as they cheat me?
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[He shrugs one shoulder. And ah, a mercy: it's almost easy to say was instead of is when it comes to his fallen friend. Fenris leans back, resting his weight on one hand, glancing out at the city with a little frown.]
I do not know if that reputation will hold. Unlikely, but perhaps. But I suspect I can persuade them if they attempt to cheat us both. My claymore is not just for show, and fortunately, most people realize that.
[Although, actually . . .]
How much protection does Riftwatch afford?
[Because it was one thing when he had Hawke's reputation and Aveline's position as Captain of the Guard to protect him. He had not relied on them too often, but still, it was a safeguard against all the typical elvish prejudice rife in Kirkwall.]
Do they leave us to fend for ourselves, or offer their weight as protection?
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cw: suicide mention
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